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Masked Feind

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It seems like forever [02 Dec 2006|09:44pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

God it seems like it's been forever since I've been on here and actually updated anything. I guess there a few changed from the last entry I posted so here we go.

First the boyfriend situation. Nicholas and I didn't make it but things turned out better because I'm with Jeremy now. I met him at work actually. He started about the same time I did which is now like seven months ago. We never really talked or anything and then the guys took me out for my birthday on a friday. He was there which didn't mean a whole lot at the time besides it opened the door a little I think. That was the weekend I dumped Nicholas because he's a controlling freak who showed up and ruined my birthday celebration. Anyways the next weekend after that we went out again, the guys and me to drink at the bar across the street from work. Knowing that Jeremy was a little shy and with a few drinks in me I pretty much flat out asked him what the deal was. We ended up driving around Madison for a little while, going to Select Video which was interesting to say the least, and then sitting at Perkins for awhile until I sobbered up enough to drive myself home.
The next time I saw Jeremy was when I went over to his house after work, met his parents who I really like, and then went out to the bar so he could shoot darts with the league that he's in. That was an interesting night to say the least since he got drunk and I had to drive him home. We eneded up staying in his truck for at least an hour and a half. That pretty much opened the door completely and we've been dating ever since.
I think I'm in love!! He's the complete opposite of Nicholas. Jeremy is very laid back and very... loveable. The other day he was in a bad mood so I started tickling him and picking on him a little until he was laughing. I have to say that was the most adorable moments. He was all pouty and laughing at the same time until he fell off the bed. Just the way he looked hooked me I think. We've talked about kids... not a whole lot but he's made it clear that he wants to wait and amazingly I'm fine with that though I would love to have his baby. A little Jeremy running around makes my heart skip a beat. Not much bothers him and he's not overly emotional like one particular person I used to be with. *Cough cough*
Anyways there aren't many things that he does that annoys me. We don't have to spend every moment together but when we are together I feel completely comfortable with him and his family. Tonight he's going out with his friends after spending most of the day with me yesterday and staying in madison after our chirstmas party. We can spend time apart and know that we're still together, still apart of each other's lives. He understands that the shit that goes on at work, all the talk the guys do, is total crap. He knows that I'm with him and nobody else matters... or at least I hope he knows that. Jeremy doesn't seem to get worked up about certain guys at work hitting on me or calling me sex kitten.
He should know by now that I'm totally his without question. I don't even look at other guys these days which is weird for me since I've always noticed guys before. Don't get me wrong I still think other guys are good looking but I don't wonder about what it would be like to be with them. I'm very, very happy with where I am right now. Other guys are just that, other guys who don't have a place in my life.
Let's see... now that I've got that out of the way there isn't much else to update really. Still working at Wingra though I've just been laid off. I'll be going back when the season starts up again which I hope it doesn't take too long. Heavens I won't know what to do with my time these days now that I don't have to work. Probably will be getting a little part time job until I can go back to regular work.
I think that's most of what's going on right now. Jeremy is probably the biggest and best change in my life right now and while a month into things with him I'm very hopeful that we'll stay together for a long time. The way he hugs me or rests his head on my shoulder just makes me think of being 90 years old and still doing the same things.
That's enough of my rambling for now I think. Hopefully I didn't bore anyone to tears.

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[06 Sep 2006|10:17pm]
[ mood | about to break into tears ]

Update on recent developments. Not sure how things have turned out the way they have. Was totally not expecting Nicholas to ask me out a month ago and I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm finding that we have a lot in common which is weird cause I've known him for so long and never thought of him as anything other than the weird guy that walked too much. We like most of the same movies and music which are big things in my little world.

We haven't had a fight or anything but I did get pretty pissed off at him the other day when he started in with his racist bullshit. He obviously doesn't realize how not racist I am. I mean...I can live with it cause I have been for all my life but that doesn't mean I like it. He just kept going after I told him to change the subject and I got a little pissed. Oh then last weekend I did get angry because he didn't believe me when I was trying to give him directs to somewhere. I know those roads pretty good since they are the only damn roads in that city I travel on. I bloody well know what roads cross the main road I always use but he had to be right. That was an interesting arguement but we got through it by me finally deciding it wasn't worth arguing about and stopped talking. Later he was like..."what's up? What's wrong?" I just told him I was tired because it wasn't worth it and I would be damned if I was going to keep arguing when I knew I was right. Other than those two times we've pretty much agreed on most things and not really gotten mad at each other.

*Le sigh* I'm so confuzzled these days. With money and work and life in general. Starting to wonder how I'm going to survive the next month or so without having a kid. That's all I want right now. All my debt and that shit doesn't matter when I stop and think that I could be a mom. I know everybody keeps telling me to wait but they don't realize how badly I want a child. I don't care if it's boy or girl as long as it's mine. I've stopped and thought about it...a lot lately. I know I can't support a child...that's the only reason I don't already have a kid. The funny thing is Nicholas talks about kids a lot too. We've talked about what we would do should I get pregnant and he's all for it. He wants a son more than anything but that's just a guy thing. I've also had people tell me not to trust him since we've been together for so short a time but I do trust him. I think he would do the right thing and we would manage together. I've always said it takes two to raise a kids anyways.

Some times I want a baby so bad it makes me cry. The only reason I'm still here today is because I know I'll be a momma. The one thing that kept me from killing myself when I was going through my depression was the thought that there would be this little person who would call me momma and know that I would always love them no matter what. I know there are a lot things that come with a baby but I'm ready for it all. I want my baby. The one thing I know I won't give up on, the one thing that I will without a doubt do a good job with. I long to hear the word momma on the lips of a child that is actually mine, not a cousin or some kid I'm babysitting but my child.

Everybody who knows me knows that I've always wanted kids but I don't think even my parents realize how badly I want it now. All my friends and family members keep telling me I'll make a great mother and now I want to prove it. I want to show everybody that I'm not such a mess up, that I can accomplish something in my life.

It's strange to think that now it's a possiblity. With my first real boyfriend no less. Knowing that next week could be the week only makes matters worse but I still want my baby. Maybe next weekend...maybe last weekend or the weekend after next. I wish I knew when it was finally going to happen so that I could be a little more prepared. The day I learn that I'm pregnant will be the happiest day in my life no doubt about it well I suppose actually having the kid would rank right up there too.

One other thing has been bothering me now. People keep asking me what I'm doing with my life, what me plans are. I mentioned to a couple people that I was thinking about classes at MATC for Visual Communications. Now that makes my family want to know what I'm doing. They just keep asking me all the time and I'm about ready to scream at them. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing with my life...I don't really have a plan. The one thing I know for certain in my baby...I want my baby and that would make me content. The other day my aunt started in on me and I told her flat out that my plan was to have babies and keep working. She laughed and thought I was kidding. If I have a baby before I get around to taking some classes that's exactly what I'm going to do. Having my kids and a steady job is plenty for me. The only other thing I would need would be a nice husband to go with those kids and I hope that happens too. Here it is... my plan. To have babies and work if I don't enroll in classes first which I probably won't do.

My dreams don't revolve around success and lots of money. As long as I have my kids, my family and friends, then I'm happy and that's all I want out of life. Sure I had other dreams. I wanted to be a top journalist for a big time paper or magazine and I wanted to write a best seller novel about some stupid romance action crap and I wanted to see the world and I wanted to be a mother. Becoming a mother may seem to be the simplest and easy to come by thing out of all that but that's what I truely want...that's the real me that I don't think many people see. I'm not as rough and tough as I've put out to be. Pink is not a color I will dress my daughter in true enough but that's never going to change.

Yeah...I just realized how much I've been rambling on and on about this. Guess I should probably shut up now and figure out what the hell I'm doing.

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[06 Sep 2006|10:05pm]
[ mood | blah ]

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are a giving soul. Way too giving in fact. You often get stuck doing the dirty work that no one else will do.

Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky.

You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it.

In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.


You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.
You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.


You Should Be a Poet


You are


Your Driving Is is: 60% Male, 40% Female

According to studies, you drive both like a guy and a girl.
This means you're a pretty average driver, with typical quirks.
Occasionally you're frustrated and or a little reckless, but that's the exception - not the norm.
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[01 Sep 2006|06:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.
However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.
You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.
You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.


People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.


Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.


You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker.
What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions.
You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself.
Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.


You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.


You Are 100% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.
Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.


You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system.

You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever.
Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match.

Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests.
A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.


Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.
You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.
Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.
But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.


You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.
Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.
People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.
But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.


Your Element Is Water

A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious.
That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep.

Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily.
You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others.

You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves.
You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful.
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Sarcastic...me??? Haha... [23 Jul 2006|04:05am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.
Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.
And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.
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Don't understand [22 Jul 2006|06:37pm]
[ mood | Fucking annoyed ]

I don't know what's going on with this guy but there must be something wrong with me. He asked for my phone number, hangs out with me, says he likes hanging out with me and talking and all that jazz but...there's this other girl. Is it just that people don't see what's right in front of them? Or is there something really wrong with me? Good enough to have fun with, talk, joke around, hang out, even make out with but not good enough to date. Am I really that crazy?? *le sigh* I don't know what's going on anymore and frankly I'm getting sick of it. People need to make up their minds every now and again. Maybe I'm trying too hard or not enough...I don't know. Guess I'm just a sucker for the guys who are going to fuck around but never really get into anything serious. *tries not to cry* Seriously starting to think there's something wrong with me. *sniffs* don't think I stink or anything.

Whatever, I'm not going to think about that right now because I don't wanna be depressed and get all weepy while this is suppose to be my weekend of doing nothing and relaxing.

Went to Six Flags yesterday and went on two rides, Superman and Raging Bull before the rain hit and they shut down all the good rides. We ended up going back to the motel and crashing for the rest of the night. Ordered some pizza, watched a little tv, and did a whole lotta sleepin. Wonderful vacation with teh family. It wasn't bad really, just sucked that I spend 40 bucks to go on two rides abd then get rained on. *le sigh* Guess shit happens.

Moving home next weekend...if I can get some people together since there is only like one person I know of besides my mother who is willing to change her plans if need be and help me out. Not going there either because it's only gonna piss me off again and we don't want that now do we? Anyways, the roommate and I aren't getting along too well. She wasn't too happy when I told her I was moving home. Can't afford Madison rent, it's riddiculious. So now I get to deal with a royally pissed off roommate, a crazy cat, and a loser all at one time. As soon as I get the hell outta there things will improve greatly. Won't be half as stressed as I am right now. But that aside I did love living in Madison. Always somethin to do if you knew where to look, though I didn't. Oh and I might stay out of trouble if I move back home. No more bars for me.

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I'm superman!!! @_@ [08 Jul 2006|09:24pm]
[ mood | devious ]

Boredom = Mass QuizzesCollapse )

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Total rambling [07 Jul 2006|10:57pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

Alright the day at work was shit, crazy as hell but it went by quickly. Just had the best night of my life or as close as I've ever come to prefect. Actually now that I think about it... tonight was my first date. *laughs and dances around grinning like a fool* Started with text messages and then we talked on the phone for a while before we decided he would come up here. Got here early so we sat around watchin' a movie and playin' around and I know that sounds perverted but it's not. It was totally innocent. A little tickling and pushing around, kinda wrestling. He discovered my weakness though, I'm extremely ticklish and he's more than willing to use that against me. Let's see...oh...he smells really good. It's not cologne I don't think maybe his soap. Whatever it is he smells SO good. That sounds a little stalkerish doesn't it? *laughs* Well anyways we went and saw Superman, after a wrong turn here or there. It wasn't as good as some people said it was but it was a decent film. Spilled pop on my shirt but I didn't feel so bad when he spilled too, the cup or lid was faulty I tell ya. Anyways, he missed out on a transport for work, he's a cop in training more or less and they tried to call him about 10 minutes into the movie. He said he didn't know what to do cause he wanted to be out with me and yet he wanted to be at work and get to learn some new stuff. OH OH... he drives a mustang. First one I've ever been in. Man did that make me sound materialistic... I just never thought I would get to ride in one and here I find myself kinda dating a guy who drives one.
First date of my life... kinda weird to think about that. I've never actually had a date before tonight. Sure I've been out with guys but never like this. It was strange...we were touching almost the whole time. Knee against knee, elbow to elbow or shoulder to shoulder. I certainly didn't mind. Oh he's a very gentle person, when we were wrestling he accidentally hit me in the side of the head. Not hard or anything but he stopped right away and was like, "Oh are you ok? Are you sure?" That sounds kinda corny but it was sweet and makes me smile to think about it. We laid around on my bed for a little while, just watchin' tv and talking.
I love his hands. That sounds really, really stalkerish but it's true. Big hands that are a little rough but not overly so. *shrugs* I'm strange I know but hands are a thing with me...that and shoulders. He showed up and I about knocked him over when I hugged him, I was so happy to see him since my roommate isn't very happy with me but I don't wanna think about that now.
Anyways, he's a bigger guy and I love that too. Lots of him to cuddle with. Wow...I think I need to stop now cause I'm only making myself sound more and more crazy. So for now I'm going to go and find something to do. I can't go to sleep just yet, I'm wired.

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[06 Jul 2006|11:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

You Are a Bunny Pop

It takes a whole lot more than three licks to get to your center. You cheeky bunny!


Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.
But you may be ready in a couple of years.
You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.
And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.


Caramel Frappuccino

Creative and expressive, you tend to match your Frappuccino flavor to your mood. And a flavored syrup is always a must!


You're 60% Irish

You're very Irish, and most likely from Ireland.
(And if you're not, you should be!)
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[29 Jun 2006|04:03pm]
Your Aura is Red

You have a high level of emotion. This can mean passion, but it can also mean rage.
Usually, you don't take these emotions out on others. You just use them as motivation - and it works!

The purpose of your life: embracing all the wonders of the life, lots of travels, and tons of adventures

Famous reds include: Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez

Careers for you to try: Dancer, Boxer, Surgeon
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[21 Jun 2006|10:15pm]
[ mood | content ]

Alrighty then...living in the big city is a huge adjustment but I love it so far. Don't care for the crazy drivers, I've been cut off more times than I can count on one hand which is frustrating. These people don't care what's going on around them their going to get where their going reguard of anybody else who might be in the way or not. Meeting lots of new people, my room mate likes to go out and introducing me to lots of people. Umm...let's see what else? Work is going pretty good. My bosses are crazy I swear they are. I've never laughed so hard at work before. Bill had parkinson's disease but he's a great guy. Lois can be a little high strung at times but she's a good boss. She's got a lot of patiences with me, learning all this stuff is a pain in the ass but it's getting better. Love most of the people I work with. The truck drivers are funny as hell, I love talking to them. There are a few people that I'm not getting along with but that's any job. Other than like two people I'm getting along with everybody, playing nice and all that jazz. Actually I wish I had gotten into a business like this long before now. I fit in so well there. I can say pretty what I want, wear whateve I want, have as many tattoos or peircings as I want and no body cares. It's pretty great. It's really nice to be out on my own. I want to know that I can make it on my own should something happen down the road. I don't want to be like my mom and never get the chance to live on my own, never know if I can survive without a man in my life. Welp it's getting late so I better be off to bed.

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[11 Jun 2006|08:48pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Made this the other day and thought I would share it with anybody who loves V. I have a large one if anybody wants it, just thought I would start with this one and see if anybody likes it. Let me know what you think. Kthanksbye!!

Hopefully you can read most of this...stupid Photobucket is shrinking the damn pictureCollapse )

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Huh??? @_@ [27 May 2006|12:34am]
[ mood | tired ]

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause.
You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them.

Power: force beams from your eyes


What the hell??? That's all I can say.
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Teh boredom now that I've ranted and raved v_v [11 May 2006|12:27am]
[ mood | blah ]

cut for length purposesCollapse )

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[10 May 2006|10:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Ok I am not a person who believes in fate and all that junk but of late I'm starting to think there's something out there testing me, trying to see how far I can be stretched before I snap and either go stark raving mad or kill myself. One more test was placed before me today, I was techinally fired. Got a call, my ex-manager, saying that because payroll is over they are making yesterday my last day of work. Granted I had turned in my two week notice but I still have a week and a half to go before that's up. Granted I didn't have many shifts to cover but it's still money I now will not be getting, money that was suppose to pay my rent but wasn't going to be close in the first place. Now I have to figure out what I can do to make rent and pay my bills which seem to be accummulating (I know I didn't spell that right but don't tell me how to fix it). Personally I've always believed the messes I've gotten myself into were because of my own stupidity but what the hell did I do to get into this one? I thought I was working things out, starting a new job in about a week and a half, getting health insurance, looking for a new car so I don't get stuck half way to work, and I was trying to save up some money. Guess I won't be getting that tattoo I wanted right now... which sucks. So I'm starting to think I've either royally pissed some one off up there or I'm just a totally idiot and can't see where I went wrong. *le sigh* If I weren't living at home things could be worse right now, I could be cutting again but I can't which sucks because I want to scream until I pass out. It feels like there is a ton of weight on my chest, like I can't breath under all this stress... what am I suppose to do. My parents keep staying, "you're a strong woman, you'll figure it out just stick with your decision" I'm not as strong as they think I am, if they only knew what I wanted to do they would be locking me up and putting me in a straight jacket. *takes a deep breath and tries not to scream* What do I do?????

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[04 May 2006|10:02pm]
Have does the new header look?
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Dancers in the rain [29 Apr 2006|12:06am]
[ mood | sick ]

Wrote this for a call a while ago, just thought I would post it and see what people sayCollapse )

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Manga sucks [27 Apr 2006|02:12pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Why do manga have to have the stupidest endings in the world. I just finished 14 issues...whatever you want to call 'em, of Ceres: Celestial legend. The ending was total bullshit. I love the author and her art work but damnit that sucked. Toya was dead and then he wasn't and then they were going to have a baby and then they lived happily ever after. I like happy ending but it was wide open at the end...it doesn't say what happened to Ceres...unless I missed something. I may have to go back an read the last couple again cause it doesn't make much sense at the moment. Gah... *hides from the stupidness of manga.*

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[21 Apr 2006|03:29pm]
[ mood | Extremally Excited!!! ]

OMG!!!! I'm going skydiving tomorrow mornin'!!! I can't wait and I'm so excited about going. I love my dad so much for this. See if it weren't his 40th birthday we probably wouldn't be going at all. My mom thinks we're all crazy but that's because she's would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane. This is going to be the biggest rush I've ever felt in my 20 years of exsistance. *dances around cause she's too excited to sit down* Sorry if I seem a little crazy but right now I can't wait for tomorrow to get here. I don't think I've ever typed this fast either. Gah...now I have to get back to work. Wish me luck!!!

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[18 Apr 2006|01:42pm]



Don't be caged



Check out my new community!!! Please...please join!!!
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